Building Resilience

Nearing a year since the beginning of the pandemic, we all have had to make adjustments to how we relate to one another. Relationships are already complex, but when we add all the stressors from the past year and everything we are still dealing with, how do we nurture our closest most valuable relationships? February is the month of love and friendships. In this issue of Building Resilience we explore Mindfulness and how presence and intent can go a long way in strengthening our bonds between couples, friends, and family.

English novelist, Mary Shelley who wrote the novel Frankenstein, said “the beginning is always today.” When I reflect on this quote, I am reminded of the word MINDFULNESS. What is mindfulness? According to Jon Kabat-Zinn founder of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Center, mindfulness is the gateway to the full dimensionality of being human.” It is an evidence-based practice that offers a multitude of physical and emotional benefits, such as a healthy heart, higher brain functioning, strong immune system, reduced levels of anxiety/stress, and connection to the self to name a few. Kabat-Zinn says that mindfulness is a way of connecting you to your life by paying attention to every detail of each moment without distraction and judgement.

Work, school, family, and now the pandemic can cause the mind to travel tirelessly from one thought or worry to the next. Ultimately, these above mentioned factors can disconnect you from the present moment. When the mind and body are not connected to each other, it becomes difficult to self-regulate uncomfortable feelings and emotions. This lack of self-regulation triggers stress and emotional responses. The mind goes into survival mode releasing adrenaline and cortisol into the body. Over time, these stress hormones can increase the likelihood of developing heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. Additionally, anxiety and depression have shown clinically to manifest physically in the body and cause adverse effects such as loss of sleep, brain fog, muscle strain and chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, heart attacks, and strokes. Mindfulness is the antidote to managing the negative and adverse effects of stress, anxiety, and depression on the body and mind.

Mindfulness is the key to coping with the negative effects of long-term stress and anxiety. The practice of mindfulness is shown to increase your mental strength and connection to not only yourself, but to others in your circle too. When life feels unpredictable and unexpected moments arrive, the practice of mindfulness can allow you to drop into your awareness and anchor yourself so that you feel grounded in moments of uncertainty. In moments of uncertainty, the brain will go into flight or fight mode by turning on the sympathetic nervous system which should only be activated in moments of emergency. Mindfulness gives clear awareness of a situation and the choice to react or respond.

Mindfulness is a practice and reminder that we are only fully alive in this moment. The only time we can hear, taste, touch, is now. Unfortunately, in today’s busy society, the mind spends its time preoccupied with worrying about the future. As a result, you end up missing what is happening in the moment. Similarly, when the mind is ruminating in the past, it is wandering in moments that no longer exist. According to best selling author and spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, “stress is wanting the moment to be what it is not.” When the mind has decided that the moment it is in is too painful or uncomfortable, it becomes difficult to focus and maximize the experience of being.

Mindfulness mirrors the ebb and flow of the ocean. There are times when the mind just like the ocean is turbulent, unpredictable and overwhelming. However, if you can drop below the depths of the chaos on the surface, you will find calmer and peaceful waters. Mindfulness works in the same way. When the mind feels stuck in a stormy state, notice it and drop below the surface of anxiety, stress, and chaos. Through stillness, focused attention to your breathing and observation of your thoughts, the mind will settle. Biologically, when the mind settles, the parasympathetic nervous system is activated and sends a message to the brain that you are safe and free to respond.

As 2021 makes its way into our existence, take time to practice mindfulness daily. You don’t need to schedule time to be mindful. Simply notice and check in with where your mind is and navigate it back to the moment. You can start today by spending uninterrupted time with yourself, your family and friends. When interacting with your family and friends, notice every detail, of their words, the sound of their voice, the look on their face and how it makes you feel. Another way you can cultivate mindfulness into your day is by cooking a meal. Notice the smells, the textures, the colors, how the ingredients feel in your hand, and the sound of the food as it cooks. Paying attention to where your mind is in every activity that you are doing moment by moment without distraction and judgement is the practice of mindfulness. You can also practice mindfulness by checking in with your five senses, what do you see, hear, feel, taste, feel.

When thinking about uncertain times, it is important to be present in every moment rather than travel through on auto-pilot. Life is short and will quickly pass you by if you live it without awareness. Your life matters and being present to each moment is a gift you give to yourself and others. In an interview with Oprah, Kabbat Zin was asked what he thought happens when we die. He responded by saying he was not particularly concerned by how we die, but rather with how we spend our life before we die. As we close the door to the experiences of 2020 and step into the uncertainty of 2021, consider experiencing the moments of your life with awareness and intention through the practice of mindfulness.

Written by Jessica Erickson, LPCC, PPS, EMDR certified

Columbus Tustin MS and Estock Elementary

As we shift into another month of the year, it is important that we continue remaining calm, focused, and present through these unprecedented times. This pandemic has shifted many of our family dynamics—hopefully for the best—and has given us the opportunity to “Stop and smell the roses,” per say.

We invite you to take this moment to reflect on your relationship with your child/children, and how the implementation of mindfulness techniques and skills can make your family time richer, deeper, and more peaceful.

In order to do so, it is important for you to consider the oxygen mask principle: put your own mask on first, before you help your child. The more we discover how to be mindful ourselves, the more we can turn to mindful parenting strategies and appreciate our children’s capacity to be present in each moment (Goldstein, 2020). There’s an inner skill set called for in parenting—an awareness of what is, what’s changing, and what matters going forward. In day-to-day life, take the time you need to notice your own feelings, pause before responding, and practice listening (Goldstein, 2020).

Below you will find a short list of mindfulness techniques that can help foster your relationship with your children.

7 Things Mindful Families Do Differently

Embrace Imperfection

You are going to make mistakes, you are going to hurt your children’s feelings, and you are not going to be able to show up in all the ways you want to or the ways your children want you to, but none of that makes you a bad parent—it only makes you a human one. When you can move into a place of acceptance of this you are able to shift into a greater ease and grace within yourself.

Listen with Curiosity

When we pause and listen to each other more in our lives, we can engage the experiences in our family with a growth mindset. We can see the struggles and triumphs as opportunities for learning and growth. Instead of judging each other, we can get better at recognizing when we don’t understand where the other person is coming from, lean in with curiosity and say, “tell me more.” Or we might try and stand in their shoes to understand their perspective by asking ourselves, “why might they be acting this way?”

Communicate Courageously

Being clear and honest with each other about what you need and how you feel is ultimately an act of kindness that creates trust and connection. This means showing up with our partners and kids with an open heart and an open mind. It builds on listening with curiosity and creates space for everyone to feel comfortable to share how they feel and what they need.

Practice Appreciation and Gratitude

While words of affirmation may or may not be your primary love language, we all want to be seen and appreciated and there’s a surprisingly simple way of doing this that can have huge benefits—intentionally practicing being appreciative and expressing gratitude to one another. By taking the time to acknowledge our kids or our partner when they empty the dishwasher or are ready on time, we can shift the culture of the household from demanding and frustrated to cooperative and grateful

Forgive Ourselves and Each Other

In practicing mindfulness we come to understand that our mistakes aren’t signs of failing at being a human. Instead, they are opportunities for learning about the inevitable pitfalls of life, what gets in our way and understanding the optimal route to get back into a space of balance and connection.

Practice Support and Generosity

Our kids are always watching us, learning how to be in the world and modeling our behaviors. So it’s important that we model this way of being in the world and include them in these acts as often as possible. Consider getting involved in service projects at a local school or organization. You can encourage your kids to make pictures or cards for their grandparents or someone who is ill. These small or large acts are the essential healing agent within the family system, our culture, and the world. Ultimately, connection is the cornerstone of well-being and it starts in the family.

Remember to Play and Have Fun

It seems silly to say that any of us would forget to have fun and enjoy each other but it’s more common than you think. Raising children is probably the most important job you will ever be tasked with and the pressure of raising good humans can be weighty. So much so that we can fall into a pattern of taking things too seriously and being overly focused on tasks (chores, homework, activities, etc.) that we lose the enjoyment of being together.

Jacqueline Larios, ACSW

Beswick, Heideman, and Loma Vista Elementary School

Often, our feelings control the way we communicate with our children. Amid heated arguments, we become unaware of our choices and emotionally shut down. We forget to be mindful about how our choice of words can affect our children. We later find ourselves thinking “I shouldn’t have said that” or “I regret reacting so angrily.” Give yourself the opportunity to feel your emotions, but also practice being mindful about how your choice of words and reactions can impact your relationship with your child.

“Simply being mindful of our open and closed patterns of conversation will increase our awareness and insight. We begin to notice the effect our communication style has on other people.” (Goldstein, 2020)

Utilize the traffic light mindfulness exercise for the following:

Red light: Stop and notice negative feelings

Yellow Light: Slow down and take care

Green light: Let your feelings go and focus on the present

Healthy social and romantic relationships are essential to our well being. Recent social science tells us that building a social support system can improve our resilience, mental and physical health, and our cognitive abilities. This comes from fostering closeness and building trust with those closest to us. In order to build strong relationships, we have to know that it is not enough to look for connection with people who are healthy. We also have to be mindful of our own wellbeing, and the effect we have on others. Sometimes this means we have to work on becoming healthy partners, parents, friends to those around us.

We have been socialized to think of February as the month of love, romance, and relationships. Although it is a good reminder to consider those around you, it is important to acknowledge our appreciation of our partners, friends, and family on a regular basis. To help you with building mindful relationships starting today, here are some fun ideas that can engage our senses and grow our bonds. In these tips, note that “partner” refers to anyone you’re building a relationship with, including your spouse or significant other, your children, family, or your friends.

Invite you Partner to Create Goals Together

Working together to achieve a common goal can help the partnership keep each other accountable along the way. These goals can be simple.

Idea: Complete a cookbook with all your favorite meals. You can set a number of recipes you wish to come up with and a timeline. Perhaps one per week for six months. Along the way you encourage each other. Mindful tip: notice that this activity can engage your senses. You will see and listen to your partner, you will engage your sense of smell, touch and taste. Talk about what it is you like about each dish. What other goals would you like to create with your partner?

Invest in Them

We are not talking about financial investments, rather emotional and time investment. Think about something your partner has been working on. Idea: If they have a home improvement project, give them help. If they’re looking for an expert in something, help them do some research. If they have recently done something for you, return the favor. Mindful tip: Notice their reaction to your initiative; how are they responding? Notice how you feel. Are you tired, drained, happy, or energized? This is an investment in your relationship because it builds empathy, support, and trust.

Focus on Commonalities

We know we are all different and when we interact with others it is easy to identify how different we are from each other. Another way to be mindful in a relationship is noticing how much more alike we are than we thought. Idea: Next time you’re communicating or interacting with others, notice things that are the same. It may be an expression they use that you commonly use, a behavior or mannerism, or the things they like or dislike. Note these things to yourself and you will find that you share a lot more, and that can help build connection. Mindful tip: When we pay attention to others, it means you are being mindful of their being too. If you feel it is important for them to know that you share something in common, let them know it. They will realize you’ve been paying attention.

Yenyfer Bullock, LMFT

Hillview HS, Tustin Connect K-12, Benson Elem

If you are seeking Mindfulness for therapy, here are a few things you should consider:

· Contrary to popular belief, mindfulness is not necessarily a way to relax or manage emotions. If you are practicing mindfulness in therapy, you might experience unrest, have unpleasant thoughts and feelings, and learn unexpected and unsettling things about yourself.

While relaxation can and does occur, it is not always as expected, and it is not really the goal.

· Mindfulness is not a quick fix.

Most likely your problems have developed over weeks, months, or years and therefore cannot be fixed overnight. Changing our behaviors is hard. The patterns we most want to change (such as addictive behaviors, dysfunctional relationships, anxious thinking) require the investment of time and effort.

· Mindfulness is not an escape.

Mindfulness when used in counseling is a technique, not to escape, but to explore pain or hardship with acceptance, curiosity, and emotional balance.

· Mindfulness is not a panacea.

If your main reason for seeking out mindfulness is for mental illness or another medical condition, please consult with a medical professional first. Mindfulness is not meant as a replacement for traditional medicine.

Mei Pauw, LMFT, PPS

Hewes MS, Guin Foss, Myford, Tustin Ranch

The Mental Health Services (MHS) team is made up of clinically trained therapists. Our MHS team has grown significantly over the past five years to meet the mental health needs of all TUSD students. We provide individual and group counseling to general education students. Additionally, we facilitate workshops, offer consultation, and collaborate with local community agencies. Students are referred for therapeutic services by their principal and school counselor.

As a team, we aim to be recognized as an entity of support to general education students affected by social-emotional hindrances, which prevent them from achieving their educational goals. Moreover, the Mental Health Services Team seeks to project a broad psychoeducational impact by normalizing mental health services throughout the district.

If you you feel your child could benefit from MHS services at school, reach out to your school counselor or administrator. If you have any questions about Building Resilience or would like to suggest topics for future installments, you may contact us below.