Counseling Gazette

Self-regulation will help your student learn to sit and listen in the classroom, making learning easier; it gives your student the ability to control their impulses; it helps students make friends because they learn to take turns, share, and express emotions in a positive way; it helps your student become more independent by making good choices in new situations; and it helps your student to manage stress because they will know how to cope with strong feelings and know what works best to calm themselves down.

Although children start learning self-regulation when they are babies, they will need the support of the adults around them to continue honing this skill during their childhood years.

• Talk about emotions with your student. This is helpful when their emotions may have prevented them from acting correctly. It also helps to normalize the necessity of talking about our emotions with the people we feel safest with.
• Encourage your student to name the emotion they were feeling when they are struggling with a big emotion. This will help them build their emotional vocabulary.
• Help your student find an appropriate reaction to their emotions.
• Remember to be patient. Coping with strong feelings is not easy as an adult and your student is still learning how.

Parents can also help their students plan for situations where emotions may drive behavior in an effort to lessen the behavior. For example, reminding your student to “look, not touch” in a store. Praising your student when you notice them self-regulating also helps boost their skills. It is also important to model self-regulation for your students so they learn it is something continuously worked on. Students will often mimic what their parents say and how their parents behave.

Sometimes, when our emotions get to be too much for us to handle, it is important to be able to take a break—or a time out— to get back to our normal selves.

One of the ways we help students with this, is through the use of a Calming Corner. This is a place in the classroom where students can sit for a minute or two, using that time to self-regulate their current emotional state. The purpose is to get back to learning in the classroom environment as quickly as possible, knowing that they can take a break when they really need it. This is also something that can be done at home and a technique used to acknowledge our feelings and cope with them so that they do not manifest themselves later in our day or future.

Calming corners are not a punishment, but rather a tool to help promote self-regulation and social emotional learning.

“When students are in the calming corner space, the goal is to give the student “time away” so that the behavior does not escalate any further. The calming corner is a positive place that rewards students for noticing that they are feeling emotionally dysregulated and using strategies to calm themselves so that learning can occur” (The Watson Institute, 2017).

Many corners have tools and ideas for regulating emotions that students can try, to see what works best for them.

Creating one is as easy as finding a calm/quite place and filling that space with soft furnishing and soothing materials, like, Play-Doh, a sensory bottle, coloring pages, fidgets, a timer, a stress ball, a stuffed animal, books, and/or a weighted blanket.

1. Connection makes children feel NOT alone. Even when in the presence of others, we can feel alone. We feel lonely when we are not connected with those around us. We are social creatures, and we depend on one another for happiness and a sense of wholeness. Feeling alone can be sad and terrifying.

2. Connection makes children feel important. When you are fully present in your child’s life, it gives them the message that they matter, are important, loved, and are worth your time.

3. and therefore, connection increases children’s self-esteem. If you show them that they are worth your time, then they feel valued. If they feel worthy of your love, they are lovable! Conversely, if you are not connected, not tuned in, you are demonstrating to them that whatever you are connected to (your phone, the TV, whomever you are texting) has more worth and is more deserving of your time and love.

4. Connection becomes internalized and gives children confidence when they are away from you. Building connection goes way beyond the moment of connection. It is an experience that becomes part of the child; it stays with them even when you are not in their presence.

(Holleron, A., 2018)

1. Because it wasn’t necessarily modeled for us. Children learn from others, and if we grew up with parents that were not good at connecting with us for various reasons, it has created the same for our children. Just because it does not come naturally to us doesn’t mean we can’t do it. It just means that we have to make a commitment to it and work on it.

2. Because our own “stuff” is in the way. As adults, we have one and a million things going through our minds, plus the emotions we have throughout the day. All this gets in the way of connecting with our children. If we are not completely present with our children or someone else, we are not connecting. If you find yourself thinking about work when talking to your child, acknowledge those thoughts and refocus your full attention to your child.

3. Because we’re too busy. We live in an extraordinarily busy culture where we have many responsibilities. It may be hard for us to be completely present when we have many things on our “To-Do List”. We may feel pressured to provide our children with activities and experiences. These things can be important but can stand in the way of connection. Something as simple as talking at the dinner table about their day can mean a lot to your child.

4. Because we’re on “auto-drive.” We can mindlessly move through our days as if we are on auto-drive, without really being present. When we are on auto-drive, we are not connecting with our children.

(Holleron, A., 2018)

1. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is a powerful skill that helps us to work with our emotional states, and thoughts so that we can be present to others. Mindfulness helps us get grounded and present.

2. Detach from screens! Work emails, Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram, sports games, etc., can all wait. Be deliberate in your use and try not to use them when you are with your children.

3. Establish times of the day that you commit to connection. Make a plan to spend 15-30 minutes just being with your children when they get home from school, or whatever part of the day works. Spend time together as a family and also dedicate time to each child. Even a small amount of time can feel like too much when our days are so full and rushed. Start with whatever you can manage, even if it’s five minutes. The more you do it, the more you will want to do it. When you establish this time, the quality of presence will spill over into other parts of your day.

4. Learn to listen. Listening is truly a skill. Train yourself not to think about other things. This can be hard because we probably have many things to do. If you are genuinely listening, you will be able to learn more about what your child is sharing and also catch on to non-verbal cues. Train yourself to listen without judgment. This can be so hard! We have high expectations, and it is easy for expectations to transform into judgment. Be conscious of how you do that, and work at not doing it. Your children will benefit from truly listening to others.

(Holleron, A., 2018)