I think of myself as an honest person. Yet this week, I caught myself on the verge of lying to my daughter. I had thrown away her sticker book because I thought she was done with it. She couldn't find it, and was upset. I almost said, "I don't know what happened to it, Audrey." After all, there was no way she'd find out it was me who threw it in the trash a month ago. And my intention wasn't to hurt her--it was to keep our house tidy.
People lie for a lot of reasons--and often, in an attempt to avoid hurting someone near us or to escape blame.
And people includes kids. As one of my friends and longtime educators said, "All kids lie. And they lie for a lot of different reasons." Lying is a normal and expected part of development.
- Children lie to avoid consequences.
- Children lie to make themselves sound a little bit better.
- Children lie to avoid telling something to someone that will disappoint or hurt them.
- Children lie to themselves about what's good for us, and what we are capable of achieving.
So given that it's normal, how can we cultivate trust and honesty with our children?
1. Expect that your child will not be truthful about everything. No one is.
2. Remind them that it takes courage to tell the truth, and that everyone makes mistakes. Your character grows when you take ownership for what you said, did, or didn't do, and then work to make it better.
3. Seek other perspectives. Often, it isn't that our child is lying per se, they just might not have the whole truth. If things seem odd or imbalanced, reach out to get more information and perspectives. "You know, this sounds bad. I want to make sure I have the full picture so that I can help you."
4. Don't lie to them. This seem obvious, but there are often small ways we lie to our kids, and they can pick up on it. IMPORTANT NOTE: This doesn't mean that we tell them everything, either. If they ask a question we don't feel ready to answer, say something like, "You know, I'm not ready to talk to you about that now. When you are older, we can talk about that."
Want to read a little more with age specifics? Check out this article.
I ended up telling Audrey the truth. "Audrey, I'm sorry. I threw your book away. I thought you were done with it." She was more understanding than I thought a barely 5-year old would be. "It's OK, mom. But when we go back, can I get another one?"
