It's hard to parent from a distance.
When my daughter was in 4K, she would come home each day telling me about how mean Zoey was at recess. I tried to teach Piper strategies for responding to someone who was rude and exclusive. I developed a full picture of this girl--the youngest in a family of girls who had learned to be tough and rude from her older sisters. And I also made assumptions about the teachers--I assumed that they just let "kids be kids" old school style, and didn't help them with little conflicts.
Only I found out a conference 4 months into the year that it wasn't necessarily that Zoey was mean--it was that my daughter also struggled to share a friend. My daughter was possessive.
You see, it's hard to parent from a distance.
No matter how many questions we ask, at best, we understand snippets of our children's days at school. When there are problems, we hear one perspective. As humans, our brains are pre-wired to perceive threats. Assuming the worst helps us to say safe--to protect ourselves and those we love.
And it can also create unnecessary headaches and conflict.
In hindsight, I wish that I'd emailed Piper's teacher months earlier and just said, "She complains about Zoey almost every day. What's going on, and how can I help her?"
Home-school partnership has significant impact on students' school outcomes. And partnership starts with trust. If your child shares something that surprises you, or something that sounds off, here are some suggestions:
- Try to have a caring, yet neutral response. Say, "That sounds concerning. Tell me more about it."
- Try to gather more facts. Say something like, "I'm glad to hear your perspective. What might ____'s perspective have been?" (This promotes critical thinking, too.)
- Ask, "What steps did you take to address it?"
- Calmly reach out to your child's teacher. "___ said ____ happened. Can you tell me more about it?"
Parenting from a distance will never be easy, because we don't have all of the facts. But when we work together, we can make it a bit easier.
